Ianthony: Figuring It Out
by PurplePikachuu
Summary: Anthony is forced to keep a journal, but when a few tragic words are uttered to Kalel, what will become of Anthony's relationship with Ian? Rated T for swearing and junk. P.S. Skip to ahead to chapter 2 if you want to skip a bunch of background and dumb stuff. Or read the whole thing, I don't care. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. Leave me a review so my terrible writing skills can improve.
1. Chapter 1

**April 30, 2013**

Ugh, do I really have to do this? Fine. Here we go. My name is Anthony Padilla, and my stupid counselor that helps me with my panic attacks (sorry if you're reading this ) is making me keep this stupid journal. I guess I'll start by talking about my insane life, the one that never seems to give me a damn break. Let's start with the most important person in my life: Ian.

I don't know what you would call Ian and I. Best friends, is what I always call our relationship but...well I'll get to that later. Let's just talk about how Ian and I came to be what we are today. Ian and I met in middle school, during a silly little science project. Our same senses of humor made us instant friends. The connection didn't really start, however, until high school. Ian couldn't afford a car, and so he had to bum rides off me everyday to get home. It might seem like it would be annoying, having to cart around some kid everyday, but you have no idea how glad I am that I had to do it. It introduced me to the love of my life. Which brings me to a different subject. Love.

What the hell is love, anyway? Is it that feeling you get when you look into someone's eyes, and just feel this immense feeling of being right where you need to be, with the exact person that you were destined to live your life with? Or is it that feeling you get when you can just name a million things about a person that make them perfect? Wow, I sound sappy as hell right now, but I guess that's just what love is. Sappy. I feel that way around Ian a lot. Well, I used to, I guess is what I should say, but I'll get to that in a sec. Anyway, love. Is lust the same thing as love? Because I feel a lot of lust when I'm around Kalel, you know. But love? I'm not really sure yet. I'm still sorting it all out I guess. I've been sorting it out for years now, so I guess my progress isn't that great but...anyway, back to Ian.

He was my first. Sex partner, that is. I'm not gonna go into details, go read some dirty fanfics if you want to hear some hot sexy love scenes. Anyway, it's really weird, thinking back on it. I never saw myself as gay, nor did I ever feel any feelings for a guy, until I met Ian. I've never really felt feelings for any guy besides him, so I guess I'm not really gay...whatever, that's not important. What is important, right now anyway, is figuring out when the love...or whatever it was...stopped. Or if it even did stop.


	2. Chapter 2

We haven't been romantic for years. All the huggy kissy stuff ended a few years ago, once I met her. Kalel.

I remember the night I met her like it was yesterday. We were at a Youtuber party, and we hit it off right away. We spent the night sitting under the stars, talking about stupid stuff, like our favorite Pokemon, and how annoying it was when cashiers offered you a reward card at every damn store you went to. It didn't seem stupid at the time though, it just felt...right. Like I had known her forever.

It wasn't all rainbows and sunshine after that. The closer I got to her, the more guilty I felt. I questioned my sexuality everyday, and had a hard time even looking at Ian. I knew I was betraying him by seeing Kalel, and that it would kill him if he knew. But eventually, Ian found out about us, and as expected, he was mad. Furious, really. Somehow though, he forgave me, and we said that we were just friends, and that all that stuff before was just "experimenting". Smosh went on, and so did our...relationship. I guess it was a friendship at that point, but,

**May 2, 2013**

Sorry for not writing for a while. Okay so it was a long time, whatever. I have a life ya know. Whatever, I'll continue where we left off, ok?

...that takes us to today. I'm sitting in my bed room, alone, because I just screamed Ian's name while Kalel and I were having sex. Way to blow it Anthony. This wasn't even our first time! I've done it with her at least a dozen times before, why now?! I'm sweating and crying like crazy. I don't know what to do. Do I call her? She stormed out of the house, bawling. Do I call him? What would I even say, "Hey dude, I just screamed your name during a climax, how was your day?". I'm so confused. Earlier this week, Ian sat next to me during Game Bang, and insisted that our team name be Ianthony. He does know that's what the fangirls call our gay relationship right? Maybe he doesn't know. I'm not fooling myself though, he knew what he was saying. We ended up doing a duet dance at the end of the episode, and I felt his fucking boner...well, it felt like a boner. God it freaked me out. Not because I was scared that he still had feelings for me or something, but because I wasn't sure if I was just imagining the whole thing or not. Its definitely not helping with my current situation.

To top it all off, Kalel and I had a major fight just yesterday. All because I wouldn't kiss her when we were having a double date with Ian and Melanie. It felt wrong to do it in front of Ian, it's always felt that way. I should have just kissed her but...I don't know. I just couldn't. She didn't freak out until we got home, but oh god did she freak out. She wouldn't talk to me until...well just an hour or so ago. When she walked up behind me while I was editing a video, wearing nothing but a thong and a lacy bra. You know what happened after that point. Shit, I just don't know what to do! Hold on. I think I just heard a knock at the door. Maybe she's back, maybe she forgave me!

**May 3, 2013**

It was Ian. I had no idea why he was there, but...well I'll get to that in a sec. He saw my tear-stained face, and of course, asked what was wrong. I told him what happened, because we always tell each other what we're feeling. I know, I know, what about when I was keeping Kalel a secret, but I vowed after that happened that I would never keep anything in the dark from Ian. He deserved to know.

We sat in silence for what seemed like forever when I told him what happened. He wouldn't look at me, and I didn't look at him. He was deep in thought, and I let him think. Eventually he told me that recently, he and Melanie had fought a lot. Ian had always been open to her about being bi, and it really pissed him off when Melanie talked about being gay in a bad way. I know it was probably weird for her, knowing that Ian could be attracted to anyone, and I guess that made her question their relationship to the point were she couldn't take it anymore. She and Ian had broken up right before he came here. To me. To the one person he could trust, he said.

I was really glad to have him there. We were both feeling like complete and utter shit, and we both needed someone who could understand. Eventually, I asked him what we were. Us. Ian and Anthony. What were we? Smosh, sure. But what else?

He told me that he still loved me. He told me that he tried being with Melanie, for the sake of Smosh. But like me, he was getting to the point where he couldn't take it anymore. It was pretty cool actually, we said the same thing as we were talking: "I just miss what we were before.". After a few more hours of talking, trying to figure out what to do next, I figured it was getting late, and that we could talk about it more in the morning. So, we slept in the same bed last night. It's been a while since we've done that. It was really nice to have him there. To have his scent on my sheets, to feel his warm skin lightly touching mine, to hear his soft breathing next to me. I know we probably shouldn't have done that, but at that point, I could care less if Kalel came back or not.

I'm not getting my hopes up just yet though. Ian's laying in the bedroom, still asleep. I'm in the living room, writing this. I still don't know if the love of my life has stormed out of the house in the middle of the night, or if he's laying there in my bed, sleeping like a baby. I guess I'll just keep sitting here, trying to figure it out. Maybe I'll write in here again once I do. Then again, maybe I never will.


End file.
